 |
| Did I mention how glad I am to be home? I mean, this girl. I love this girl. She's fabulous. And I love her. (I mean the one on the left, of course) |
Freedom. Forgive me, but that is the word that keeps playing
over and over in my head. Freedom. My
freshman year of college is OVER. For the first time in a loooooong time, I can
sit here without having to think of what tests I have coming up, or of that article
for FES that I really ought to be reading, or the medical terms that I should
be reviewing. I can sit here. In peace. And I’m home.
I’m sitting here on my back porch, computer on my lap and
breeze on my skin. Finally I can look back on this year and see it from the
other side. Done. In one sense it flew
by, just like they said it would. But, on the other hand, high school seems so
long ago. Like another lifetime. Maybe that sounds dumb or melodramatic, but
that’s honestly how I feel. I grew so much from this one school year—through
positive and negative circumstances.
There is this one passage that was really my anchor this
school year: Matthew 6:25-34. Oh.my.glory. If there’s any one passage that is
the “Lydia needs to read this. Every day. Every. Single. Day.” passage, it’s
this one. And if you know me at all, you’re probably shoutin’ “AMEN TO THAT!”
This passage was such a comfort to me first semester and a rebuke to me during
the last half of second semester (when I started to forget what I had learned).
Therefore I tell you, do
not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor
about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body
more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor
gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more
value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his
span of life?
(and skipping down to verse 31 because if I put the
whole passage I will probably scare even more people away from reading this
post due to the length. But seriously. You should go read the whole passage.
Seriously.)
Therefore do not be
anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall
we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly
Father knows that you need them all. But
seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will
be added to you.
Therefore do not be
anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for
the day is its own trouble.
At the
beginning of first semester, I was doing well spiritually. I was in the word
and really seeking God, realizing how desperately I need him. He brought this
(very familiar) passage to my attention.
A little
bit about me—I’m a control freak, straight-A’s, hair-pinned-up-and-pearls-around-my-neck
kind of gall. What some might call Type-A personality. Like seriously—look up a
description and that’s pretty much me. Minus the hypertension. Somehow I ended
up with the opposite. Anywho… From this, you can probably deduce that I tend to
put a little to much weight on my grades and on pleasing people—including
myself. I have to do this. I have to do that. What if I don’t study enough for
this test and get a bad grade? I’ll be a disappointment. What if… what if… “Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious
about your life…” So yea, God pretty much smacked me over the head with
that one. In the most beautiful way. You see, I found freedom in that passage.
Freedom from all the chains I had built around myself over the years. God knows
what I need. He knows when I need it. He will supply—I am just to seek HIM
before all of that other stuff. Food is necessary. Water is very necessary. And clothes are
necessary too. Good grades are nice. Good grades get scholarships. Good grades
get me into nursing school. But God knows the grades I need. I am to seek Him
before them! And He’ll give me what I need! God commands us to NOT BE ANXIOUS.
Anxiety is a big sign that I am not
trusting God. I am putting myself—my time, my talents—in front of Him. As if
I’m better than the one who created them in the first place. PRIDE. That is
where my anxiety was stemming from. Anxiety is worldly, and it’s not Christ-like
in the slightest.
I was
able to walk into a biology test (get this) without
anxiety. Because I knew I had studied my best. I didn’t have to worry past
that. And God got me. And amazed me. Time after time...
Second
semester was a little different. The pace picked up, and I started falling
behind on my devos. It’s incredible what that can do to one’s spiritual life.
My life was a lot more stressful. God kept showing Himself to me again and
again and again. And I praised Him—again and again and again—but I didn’t
follow Matthew 6. I was anxious. I would doubt. Praise the Lord that my dad has
been praying me through college, and God must have some plan for those grades,
because let.me.tell.you. There were some miracle grades this past semester. My
memory was working like it never has before—and in hours of the night
(ehem…MORNING) when it should NOT have been working that well. But still, I
would forget Matthew 6.
And it
hurt. Calling home in tears. Sitting on a bench completely falling apart while
Matt had to remind me that grades are an earthly possession. They are good.
They have their place. They have their benefits. But I can’t take them with me…
An
earthly possession….
Like
food. Drink. Clothes.
Matthew
6.
I traded
freedom for fear. Enslaving fear. I rebuilt those shackles. Praise the Lord He
still uses us, even when we are more negligent than not. How many hours did I
add to my life from all those crying sessions? Zero. In fact, I got a lot of
headaches this semester.
(now may
I say again…) Praise the Lord! He brought me through it, and here I stand on
the other side. Now I’m lying in my bed at home (sorry, I don’t always write
these in one sitting). I’ve been enjoying spending time with my family that I have
missed so terribly. And I’m looking back at this year and learning. I’m seeing
firsthand what happens when you seek first the kingdom of God—and when you don’t.
I’ve loved this past year—don’t get me wrong. And I grew this past semester. Really,
I did. But I can see big faults in some areas. Big idols that need to be given
up. Big chains that need to be dropped. And not just dropped because it’s the
end of the semester and I’m done with classes. No. I need to let those things
go in my heart. Or else next semester will be round 2 of the Lydia Huguenin
School-Centered Roller Coaster. As someone once told me, “Control is an
illusion.” And it is a mirage that I need to stop striving for. Because when I
stop striving for that (by the love and power of my almighty Father), my whole
heart will be free to strive for God.
No comments:
Post a Comment