To start
out with, I was really struggling with the idea of coming back to school. To
put it in less polished terminology, I
did not want to come back to school. At.All. From face value, this did not
make much sense. I loved my Freshman year. I love Clearwater Christian College.
My grades were fine, I have made wonderful friends, and I have a fantastic support group down there
(including my Starkey family which I love). Looking at the big picture,
there was no reason for me to feel such resistance to going back. But I did.
Past posts have discussed the hard time I had those last few weeks of last
semester. For the first time since I was, like, nine, I felt some serious homesickness, and I was
completely worn to the bone with work. Though God really did teach me a lot
through that rough patch, it still left a foul taste in my mouth, and that was
what came to mind whenever I thought of returning to school. Unending work.
Late nights, early mornings. Always pushing. Never stopping. Work. No rest.
Pleasure always saturated with guilt (because, of course, I could be using that
“free” time for all the work that’s pressing on my back…there is no such thing
as “free time”). I think you can get an idea of why school was so terrifying to
me. I just did not want to go through that pain again. I knew in my head that
there were reasons why I loved CCC, but those reasons were a little hazy behind
the fog of exhaustion that was my last few weeks of freshman year.
But, like
it or not, time came for me to be back at school. I knew that my fear and
anxiety—my sin—needed to be worked on…big time. Especially since, amidst
all this inner conflict, the fact that I was about to be a Discipleship Leader
(DL) in my dorm unit was staring me in the face. Oh, how unqualified. I had
just come out of a summer that was wonderful and, as always, a growing time for
me, but it had also involved some serious spiritual questions, fears, and
frustrations that I have not had to deal with in years. That stepping stone had
just finished and then BOOM—back to
school, the most trying place I could ever be. As the day to be back loomed
nearer and nearer, I began trying to work on my attitude. One of the things I
reminded myself of was the attitude I adopted before I started school last
fall: I have to go to school, whether I like it or not—I might as well let
myself enjoy it! (A little glimpse into the heart of a drama-queen—sometimes,
when things look bad, we amplify that bad for dramatic effect and end up not letting ourselves see the good because
we’re so busy making the bad sound bad. Not that we think the bad is that bad,
we just want other people to understand that it’s not good… I’m probably
confusing you further… moving on…) As my father and I rode across the causeway
and I looked out at the palm trees and the water, I began praying. Only God
could fix that faithless attitude of mine. Now, sometimes—oftentimes in my
case—God likes to take His time with His lessons. Teach me faith and patience….
But sometimes, God
sure does work quickly.
Within that day I was reminded of some of the reasons I love
CCC. My dear friends drew me in and lightened my heart. The next day, a Sunday,
I got to go back to Starkey and feel that lovely embrace of the body of Christ.
DL sessions helped me re-focus on the most important aspect of school—and life:
God. Serving Him. Glorifying Him. Finding contentment in Him.
Then the
semester hit me. Like.A.Truck.
I don’t
think I have ever felt so inadequate for a task in my entire life. Looking at
my syllabi, I had no idea if it was humanly possible to do all the things I was
being asked to do. Crazy school schedule (as much as I love my teachers—and
they’re great—sometimes I think they forget that their class is not the only
class I’m taking… you know how that goes, I’m sure, especially if you’re a
college student). Lots of work hours. Being a DL. Hoping to maintain healthy
relationships with the people I care about. All this while still trying to take
care of that minor detail called staying
alive. I will tell you right now, my heart felt like it was free-falling. I
was exhausted. And school had barely started.
I had to
make some scary, big-girl decisions. One thing was that I had to go back to my
boss and tell him that I couldn’t work all the hours he assigned for me. For
many of you, you may be wondering what the big deal is about that. Well, for a
people-pleasing perfectionist who dreads confrontation and even the suggestion
of disappointment of others, this is a HUGE deal.
CALL-MOM-AND-CRY-OVER-THE-TELEPHONE-WHILE-YOU-EXPLAIN-YOUR-CRIPPLING-FEAR-AND-SHAME
big deal.
I was still
sinking, still free-falling. But God was working, as He always is. One night
after a DL meeting, my dear friend saw my exhausted face and run-down demeanor,
and she asked me that simple, thoughtful question:
“Hey, girl. Are you
doing alright?”
I almost
shrugged it off. Did she really want the truth? Besides, I had homework to get to. One of the many
reasons I was so down to begin with. But something in me pressed the truth to
my lips.
“No.”
She asked if I wanted
to talk. The truth was, I needed to
talk. I knew that. I had very recently accepted the fact that I really needed
help. I needed biblical counseling and encouragement from someone. But I didn’t
feel like I had time to deal with my problems. But I couldn’t say no. I was too
low to refuse. I poured my heart out to her. I explained one of my deepest
struggles—What’s the point, and is it
ever worth it? I know those question are worldly. They’re not based on the
promises of God, and they reflect lack of faith and understanding. Yes, I get
that. I knew it then, I know it now. That knowledge only made me feel worse. I
worked and worked and worked, but once a test is completed, there’s another
chapter to be tested. I complete this semester, there’s another waiting right
behind it. Stay up late to finish schoolwork, just to wake up to another day of
pressure. I was being crushed. I felt so alone. So helpless. And so guilty.
Isn’t it
crazy how God sometimes leads you to people who can understand what you are
going through? Honestly, I didn’t imagine any of the other DL’s being able to
relate to what I was going through, and I felt horrible going through it for
that very reason (and others). We shared each other’s burdens. We talked about
biblical answers to our questions. We were there for one another. And what a
difference that made! No, all my questions were not answered, but I didn’t feel
so alone and helpless anymore. I had encouragement from a sister in Christ, and
I had thoughtful, biblical encouragement from her.
The next
day was a Tuesday—the one day of the week where I have a large chunk of nothing
in the middle of the day. I typically use this time for either devos or a nap.
That day it was devos. I sat down to 2 Peter. Nothing out of the
ordinary—I had been going through 1 and 2 Peter. But the passage that day was 2
Peter 1:3-15. You know, sometimes I get frustrated with my devotions. Just
being honest. I’ll be struggling with something and I’ll go to the Bible—search
through the Bible—but nothing seems to help. Then there are those days that God
smacks me in the face with the truth I need. That Tuesday just so happened to
be one of those days. However, at first, it looked like it was going to be
another dry day. And I needed a not
dry day. I read the passage… then re-read it… then re-read it. I was looking at
the words, but they were not sinking in at all. My mind was getting jumbled
with all the phrases, and I couldn’t grasp a coherent thought. Add to that the
fact that all the things crowding my life were fighting for attention in my
brain. So I grabbed a piece of paper and wrote down in bullet form all the things
buzzing through my brain. Then I put it aside and purposed to not think about
those things right then. Then I had such a marvel idea: what if I applied all
those lessons I learned last year in Biblical Interpretations about how to
study the Bible (way to go, Lydia—it only took you a year…)? Phrase by phrase,
sentence by sentence, thought by thought, God’s word pierced my heart and
showed me my faults—and how to fix
them. There were answers! There were rebukes! There were instructions! There
was hope! God showed me that He has provided me everything I need to live
righteously; I just need to apply those things.
It is still
a struggle. My life is going at break-neck speed, and it is not going to slow
down any time soon. Honestly, I want to drop out of college at least once a
day. It’s hard to see how any of this can be worth it. But God opened my eyes
to something important. And another thing; He brought to my attention that I am
living my life.
Let me explain myself…
Sometimes,
I feel like I’m just preparing for my
life. I mean, isn’t that what school’s all about? High school exists to
“prepare you for college,” and college exists to “prepare you for life/your
future/your career/insert-inspirational-challenging-noun-here.” But somewhere
in all that motivation, they forget to mention that, while we have a lot to
prepare for, we are living our lives
right now, too. I have this bad habit of always wanting to look ahead. To
plan. To be in control. In doing so, I don’t look around. I will neglect to
spend time with someone because I have to get ahead on my school work so I can
get good grades so I can do fine in nursing school so I can get a good job in a
hospital so I can… You see what I’m getting at? I’m always doing things for the
future. I am always thinking of how what I am doing now will help me in the
future. Which is all well and good, except I never invest in right now. What
about what God is teaching me right now? What He’s doing for me right now? The
people in my life right now. The experiences of right now that I will never get
again. My point is, God is starting to teach me the thing that everyone in my
life (my dad, my mom, my friends) has been trying to teach me for
years—balance. Now, I do not have it
all figured out yet. I mean, I do
need to study—my parents would not
be too fond of me starting to fail tests…. Not to mention that it would
probably throw me into an emotional pit. Yea, let’s not do that. But God is
teaching me about what’s most important, and that thing is not school. Sometimes, it’s okay to put off homework so I can talk
to a hurting friend. Just because an assignment “could have been better if I
had more time” doesn’t mean that it’s bad. It does not even mean that I was
irresponsible with my time. It just means that there were other important
things that needed done too, and I had to “give and take” a little.
Honestly,
it’s hard to put into words the many
lessons that God has taught me over these past couple of months. Perhaps I
could do it, but I would need about a day set aside for just writing, and it would probably result in a small book. As much
as I would love to spend an entire day writing, I don’t have time for that. And
you’re probably not that interested in A
Book on the Inner-Workings of the Brain of Wynette Lydia Huguenin. Oh my.
Even the title is frightening. But maybe this post will give you a small taste.
I must say, it was lovely to be able to write all this out. I hope it is
coherent, because it is the work of many sporadic, short writing sessions over
the span of a couple weeks. I have no lovely conclusion for this to summarize
my thoughts and wrap them with a pretty bow. My apologies to all you English
majors and teachers out there. Only this…
“I hope your rambles have been sweet, and your reveries spacious…”
~Emily Dickinson~
