Sunday, September 21, 2014

Ready, Set, Sophomore!

           
Let me start this by saying that this blog post has gone through more introductory paragraphs than posts I have put on my blog. So much has been going on in my life and in my heart; I have been dying to write. However, the insanity that makes me wants to write is the same insanity that keeps me from doing so. I have now been back at school for almost two months (I think?), but the majority of this post’s content refers back to the first couple weeks of school. By the end of a couple weeks, I had already felt as if I had managed to run a spiritual, emotional, and mental marathon, complete with twists, turn, and hills galore. It is incredible the work that God sometimes does in such short spans of time…
            To start out with, I was really struggling with the idea of coming back to school. To put it in less polished terminology, I did not want to come back to school. At.All. From face value, this did not make much sense. I loved my Freshman year. I love Clearwater Christian College. My grades were fine, I have made wonderful friends, and I have a fantastic support group down there (including my Starkey family which I love). Looking at the big picture, there was no reason for me to feel such resistance to going back. But I did. Past posts have discussed the hard time I had those last few weeks of last semester. For the first time since I was, like, nine, I felt some serious homesickness, and I was completely worn to the bone with work. Though God really did teach me a lot through that rough patch, it still left a foul taste in my mouth, and that was what came to mind whenever I thought of returning to school. Unending work. Late nights, early mornings. Always pushing. Never stopping. Work. No rest. Pleasure always saturated with guilt (because, of course, I could be using that “free” time for all the work that’s pressing on my back…there is no such thing as “free time”). I think you can get an idea of why school was so terrifying to me. I just did not want to go through that pain again. I knew in my head that there were reasons why I loved CCC, but those reasons were a little hazy behind the fog of exhaustion that was my last few weeks of freshman year.
            But, like it or not, time came for me to be back at school. I knew that my fear and anxiety—my sin—needed to be worked on…big time. Especially since, amidst all this inner conflict, the fact that I was about to be a Discipleship Leader (DL) in my dorm unit was staring me in the face. Oh, how unqualified. I had just come out of a summer that was wonderful and, as always, a growing time for me, but it had also involved some serious spiritual questions, fears, and frustrations that I have not had to deal with in years. That stepping stone had just finished and then BOOM—back to school, the most trying place I could ever be. As the day to be back loomed nearer and nearer, I began trying to work on my attitude. One of the things I reminded myself of was the attitude I adopted before I started school last fall: I have to go to school, whether I like it or not—I might as well let myself enjoy it! (A little glimpse into the heart of a drama-queen—sometimes, when things look bad, we amplify that bad for dramatic effect and end up not letting ourselves see the good because we’re so busy making the bad sound bad. Not that we think the bad is that bad, we just want other people to understand that it’s not good… I’m probably confusing you further… moving on…) As my father and I rode across the causeway and I looked out at the palm trees and the water, I began praying. Only God could fix that faithless attitude of mine. Now, sometimes—oftentimes in my case—God likes to take His time with His lessons. Teach me faith and patience….
But sometimes, God sure does work quickly.
Within that day I was reminded of some of the reasons I love CCC. My dear friends drew me in and lightened my heart. The next day, a Sunday, I got to go back to Starkey and feel that lovely embrace of the body of Christ. DL sessions helped me re-focus on the most important aspect of school—and life: God. Serving Him. Glorifying Him. Finding contentment in Him.
            Then the semester hit me. Like.A.Truck.
            I don’t think I have ever felt so inadequate for a task in my entire life. Looking at my syllabi, I had no idea if it was humanly possible to do all the things I was being asked to do. Crazy school schedule (as much as I love my teachers—and they’re great—sometimes I think they forget that their class is not the only class I’m taking… you know how that goes, I’m sure, especially if you’re a college student). Lots of work hours. Being a DL. Hoping to maintain healthy relationships with the people I care about. All this while still trying to take care of that minor detail called staying alive. I will tell you right now, my heart felt like it was free-falling. I was exhausted. And school had barely started.
            I had to make some scary, big-girl decisions. One thing was that I had to go back to my boss and tell him that I couldn’t work all the hours he assigned for me. For many of you, you may be wondering what the big deal is about that. Well, for a people-pleasing perfectionist who dreads confrontation and even the suggestion of disappointment of others, this is a HUGE deal. CALL-MOM-AND-CRY-OVER-THE-TELEPHONE-WHILE-YOU-EXPLAIN-YOUR-CRIPPLING-FEAR-AND-SHAME big deal.
            I was still sinking, still free-falling. But God was working, as He always is. One night after a DL meeting, my dear friend saw my exhausted face and run-down demeanor, and she asked me that simple, thoughtful question:
“Hey, girl. Are you doing alright?”
            I almost shrugged it off. Did she really want the truth? Besides, I had homework to get to. One of the many reasons I was so down to begin with. But something in me pressed the truth to my lips.
 “No.”
 She asked if I wanted to talk. The truth was, I needed to talk. I knew that. I had very recently accepted the fact that I really needed help. I needed biblical counseling and encouragement from someone. But I didn’t feel like I had time to deal with my problems. But I couldn’t say no. I was too low to refuse. I poured my heart out to her. I explained one of my deepest struggles—What’s the point, and is it ever worth it? I know those question are worldly. They’re not based on the promises of God, and they reflect lack of faith and understanding. Yes, I get that. I knew it then, I know it now. That knowledge only made me feel worse. I worked and worked and worked, but once a test is completed, there’s another chapter to be tested. I complete this semester, there’s another waiting right behind it. Stay up late to finish schoolwork, just to wake up to another day of pressure. I was being crushed. I felt so alone. So helpless. And so guilty.
            Isn’t it crazy how God sometimes leads you to people who can understand what you are going through? Honestly, I didn’t imagine any of the other DL’s being able to relate to what I was going through, and I felt horrible going through it for that very reason (and others). We shared each other’s burdens. We talked about biblical answers to our questions. We were there for one another. And what a difference that made! No, all my questions were not answered, but I didn’t feel so alone and helpless anymore. I had encouragement from a sister in Christ, and I had thoughtful, biblical encouragement from her.
            The next day was a Tuesday—the one day of the week where I have a large chunk of nothing in the middle of the day. I typically use this time for either devos or a nap. That day it was devos. I sat down to 2 Peter. Nothing out of the ordinary—I had been going through 1 and 2 Peter. But the passage that day was 2 Peter 1:3-15. You know, sometimes I get frustrated with my devotions. Just being honest. I’ll be struggling with something and I’ll go to the Bible—search through the Bible—but nothing seems to help. Then there are those days that God smacks me in the face with the truth I need. That Tuesday just so happened to be one of those days. However, at first, it looked like it was going to be another dry day. And I needed a not dry day. I read the passage… then re-read it… then re-read it. I was looking at the words, but they were not sinking in at all. My mind was getting jumbled with all the phrases, and I couldn’t grasp a coherent thought. Add to that the fact that all the things crowding my life were fighting for attention in my brain. So I grabbed a piece of paper and wrote down in bullet form all the things buzzing through my brain. Then I put it aside and purposed to not think about those things right then. Then I had such a marvel idea: what if I applied all those lessons I learned last year in Biblical Interpretations about how to study the Bible (way to go, Lydia—it only took you a year…)? Phrase by phrase, sentence by sentence, thought by thought, God’s word pierced my heart and showed me my faults—and how to fix them. There were answers! There were rebukes! There were instructions! There was hope! God showed me that He has provided me everything I need to live righteously; I just need to apply those things.
            It is still a struggle. My life is going at break-neck speed, and it is not going to slow down any time soon. Honestly, I want to drop out of college at least once a day. It’s hard to see how any of this can be worth it. But God opened my eyes to something important. And another thing; He brought to my attention that I am living my life.
Let me explain myself…
            Sometimes, I feel like I’m just preparing for my life. I mean, isn’t that what school’s all about? High school exists to “prepare you for college,” and college exists to “prepare you for life/your future/your career/insert-inspirational-challenging-noun-here.” But somewhere in all that motivation, they forget to mention that, while we have a lot to prepare for, we are living our lives right now, too. I have this bad habit of always wanting to look ahead. To plan. To be in control. In doing so, I don’t look around. I will neglect to spend time with someone because I have to get ahead on my school work so I can get good grades so I can do fine in nursing school so I can get a good job in a hospital so I can… You see what I’m getting at? I’m always doing things for the future. I am always thinking of how what I am doing now will help me in the future. Which is all well and good, except I never invest in right now. What about what God is teaching me right now? What He’s doing for me right now? The people in my life right now. The experiences of right now that I will never get again. My point is, God is starting to teach me the thing that everyone in my life (my dad, my mom, my friends) has been trying to teach me for years—balance. Now, I do not have it all figured out yet. I mean, I do need to study—my parents would not be too fond of me starting to fail tests…. Not to mention that it would probably throw me into an emotional pit. Yea, let’s not do that. But God is teaching me about what’s most important, and that thing is not school. Sometimes, it’s okay to put off homework so I can talk to a hurting friend. Just because an assignment “could have been better if I had more time” doesn’t mean that it’s bad. It does not even mean that I was irresponsible with my time. It just means that there were other important things that needed done too, and I had to “give and take” a little.
            Honestly, it’s hard to put into words the many lessons that God has taught me over these past couple of months. Perhaps I could do it, but I would need about a day set aside for just writing, and it would probably result in a small book. As much as I would love to spend an entire day writing, I don’t have time for that. And you’re probably not that interested in A Book on the Inner-Workings of the Brain of Wynette Lydia Huguenin. Oh my. Even the title is frightening. But maybe this post will give you a small taste. I must say, it was lovely to be able to write all this out. I hope it is coherent, because it is the work of many sporadic, short writing sessions over the span of a couple weeks. I have no lovely conclusion for this to summarize my thoughts and wrap them with a pretty bow. My apologies to all you English majors and teachers out there. Only this…
“I hope your rambles have been sweet, and your reveries spacious…”

~Emily Dickinson~