Saturday, May 31, 2014

~Title Page~

We have company over tonight—missionaries that went to seminary with my parents. Of course, with company (and especially with people who are old friends), there is conversation and catching up. During this catching up, the topic of our move and transition has been discussed in length. For me, this brings up so many memories—so many lessons I have learned. So I felt this urge to write something I have never completely shared publically—our move. From beginning to end. Not that many people will care, and not that many people will want to or will read this. But I want to. For me. I want to write it all out. See it. Share it. So I decided to write this…
Thinking over it, I realized that this coming Monday, June 2, 2014, is the 6th anniversary of the day we left my home in Davis, West Virginia and traveled south to Chattanooga, Tennessee. So I suppose this is an appropriate time to share these things. I am aware, however, of the danger of this. I want to be honest with this story. Honest about how I felt. Honest about what happened. I want people who read this to be aware that whatever happened—whatever I felt—is past. People hurt me. I hurt people. I’m not going to hide that. So if something negative is said about anyone, it is not because I am bitter towards anyone. Believe me, that is over. I am sharing my side of the story. If life has taught me anything, it’s that you rarely ever (if ever) know—really know—what’s going on on the other side of a story. How I felt about things were not always (and rarely were, most likely) accurate. Honestly, some of the people who hurt me most are now very dear to me. So please, don’t think I harbor any ill feelings towards people. Any feelings that aren’t so great are my fault—stem from my pride and selfishness. But I can say with very good certainty that, if you’re reading this, I hold nothing against you.
This will probably be a pretty long story, so I’m going to separate it into parts; I’m not going to dump the whole story on you at once. In fact, this is just an introduction. The title page, if you will. I don’t actually know how many parts this will have, nor do I know when those parts will be posted. Hopefully by the end of this week? Certainly before I leave for camp in a couple of weeks. Any way, if you’re interested in hearing the story, be looking for my posts in the next few days. If not, by all means, ignore them. I’m doing this for myself more than anything. You don’t have to read it, of course. (I can’t imagine anyone who would feel like they would!)
So let me start this whole story with a verse: a verse that my mother shared with me during those first few months—a verse that I clung to during that time, but I did not always apply…
Ecclesiastes 7:8
“Better is the end of a thing than its beginning,

and the patient in spirit is better than the proud in spirit.”

Tuesday, May 6, 2014

Fresh Air & Freedom

Did I mention how glad I am to be home?
I mean, this girl. I love this girl.
She's fabulous. And I love her.
(I mean the one on the left, of course)
Freedom. Forgive me, but that is the word that keeps playing over and over in my head. Freedom. My freshman year of college is OVER. For the first time in a loooooong time, I can sit here without having to think of what tests I have coming up, or of that article for FES that I really ought to be reading, or the medical terms that I should be reviewing. I can sit here. In peace. And I’m home.
I’m sitting here on my back porch, computer on my lap and breeze on my skin. Finally I can look back on this year and see it from the other side. Done. In one sense it flew by, just like they said it would. But, on the other hand, high school seems so long ago. Like another lifetime. Maybe that sounds dumb or melodramatic, but that’s honestly how I feel. I grew so much from this one school year—through positive and negative circumstances.
There is this one passage that was really my anchor this school year: Matthew 6:25-34. Oh.my.glory. If there’s any one passage that is the “Lydia needs to read this. Every day. Every. Single. Day.” passage, it’s this one. And if you know me at all, you’re probably shoutin’ “AMEN TO THAT!” This passage was such a comfort to me first semester and a rebuke to me during the last half of second semester (when I started to forget what I had learned). 

Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?
(and skipping down to verse 31 because if I put the whole passage I will probably scare even more people away from reading this post due to the length. But seriously. You should go read the whole passage. Seriously.)
Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.
Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

At the beginning of first semester, I was doing well spiritually. I was in the word and really seeking God, realizing how desperately I need him. He brought this (very familiar) passage to my attention.
A little bit about me—I’m a control freak, straight-A’s, hair-pinned-up-and-pearls-around-my-neck kind of gall. What some might call Type-A personality. Like seriously—look up a description and that’s pretty much me. Minus the hypertension. Somehow I ended up with the opposite. Anywho… From this, you can probably deduce that I tend to put a little to much weight on my grades and on pleasing people—including myself. I have to do this. I have to do that. What if I don’t study enough for this test and get a bad grade? I’ll be a disappointment. What if… what if… “Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life…” So yea, God pretty much smacked me over the head with that one. In the most beautiful way. You see, I found freedom in that passage. Freedom from all the chains I had built around myself over the years. God knows what I need. He knows when I need it. He will supply—I am just to seek HIM before all of that other stuff. Food is necessary. Water is very necessary. And clothes are necessary too. Good grades are nice. Good grades get scholarships. Good grades get me into nursing school. But God knows the grades I need. I am to seek Him before them! And He’ll give me what I need! God commands us to NOT BE ANXIOUS. Anxiety is a big sign that I am not trusting God. I am putting myself—my time, my talents—in front of Him. As if I’m better than the one who created them in the first place. PRIDE. That is where my anxiety was stemming from. Anxiety is worldly, and it’s not Christ-like in the slightest.
I was able to walk into a biology test (get this) without anxiety. Because I knew I had studied my best. I didn’t have to worry past that. And God got me. And amazed me. Time after time...
Second semester was a little different. The pace picked up, and I started falling behind on my devos. It’s incredible what that can do to one’s spiritual life. My life was a lot more stressful. God kept showing Himself to me again and again and again. And I praised Him—again and again and again—but I didn’t follow Matthew 6. I was anxious. I would doubt. Praise the Lord that my dad has been praying me through college, and God must have some plan for those grades, because let.me.tell.you. There were some miracle grades this past semester. My memory was working like it never has before—and in hours of the night (ehem…MORNING) when it should NOT have been working that well. But still, I would forget Matthew 6.
And it hurt. Calling home in tears. Sitting on a bench completely falling apart while Matt had to remind me that grades are an earthly possession. They are good. They have their place. They have their benefits. But I can’t take them with me…
An earthly possession….
Like food. Drink. Clothes.
Matthew 6.
I traded freedom for fear. Enslaving fear. I rebuilt those shackles. Praise the Lord He still uses us, even when we are more negligent than not. How many hours did I add to my life from all those crying sessions? Zero. In fact, I got a lot of headaches this semester.
(now may I say again…) Praise the Lord! He brought me through it, and here I stand on the other side. Now I’m lying in my bed at home (sorry, I don’t always write these in one sitting). I’ve been enjoying spending time with my family that I have missed so terribly. And I’m looking back at this year and learning. I’m seeing firsthand what happens when you seek first the kingdom of God—and when you don’t. I’ve loved this past year—don’t get me wrong. And I grew this past semester. Really, I did. But I can see big faults in some areas. Big idols that need to be given up. Big chains that need to be dropped. And not just dropped because it’s the end of the semester and I’m done with classes. No. I need to let those things go in my heart. Or else next semester will be round 2 of the Lydia Huguenin School-Centered Roller Coaster. As someone once told me, “Control is an illusion.” And it is a mirage that I need to stop striving for. Because when I stop striving for that (by the love and power of my almighty Father), my whole heart will be free to strive for God.And that is a beautiful freedom indeed.